Tuesday, November 29, 2011

simply beautiful

How do I even start this blog post? 
It seems it has been a very long time since I've gathered my thoughts, sat down with my computer, and simply began to write. 
I feel as if every time that I sit to blog, write, or even just take a moment to think about life as I know it, I realize the craziness in my life and the peace that God instills in me every day. 
I think back to the past couple of months and I see nothing but a blur. 
Have you ever taken a picture that would have been an absolutely amazing picture, but then realize that it's completely blurry?
I feel like that's what the past months of procrastination in blogging has left me with. 
Absolute beauty, but a complete blur.
As I sit to think of details and focus in on key things, my mind races with rabbit trails, funny, heart warming stories, and leaves me with no words and nothing but a simple smile on my face.

So where to begin?
I suppose I start this blog post with where I left off many months ago. 
July 29th I had blogged about my new career and my aspirations of one day becoming a sports broadcaster. Those dreams get bigger every day, and the realization that I will be in Pullman this time next year also sinks in more and more every day.
After I had thought it all out, I was set on working at Espresso World until I left for college, and staying single the whole time through.
Boy, was I wrong.

Ever think you have your life all planned and figured out, but then it throws you for curveballs right and left?
Well, you're not the only one.
That's exactly what happened to me.
The owner of Dutch Bro's coffee came through Espresso World and told me I should stop by after work. I did, he explained how he wanted me to work for him, and before I knew it I was learning drinks for Dutch and had three new Dutch t-shirts in hand.
Something I had never planned to happen, but I love the job more and more every day.

On August 10, something happened and I'm not quite sure how I got so lucky.
I guess I shouldn't say something happened... rather, someone happened.
Ah, yes... after 19 and a half years of being single and never dating, I met someone on this night, who would continually make me smile every day for the next four months.
I guess this is the part where I tell you all how it happened.
I can't tell you it's normal. It's definitely not. But anyone I tell the story to tells me that it's seems like it's straight out of a chick flick.
Let's just hope the ending is a happy one unlike the movie PS. I Love You, shall we?
So here we go, the chick flick version of how I met this incredible guy.

Once upon a time, there was a boy who played baseball. He ended up playing baseball in a small town for a summer, and near the end of the summer he saw a girl. This girl had brown hair, loved to watch baseball, and would sit in the same spot at every game. The boy thought that this girl was very pretty, and started asking questions about her to some of his teammates. They told him things like, she's a good girl, and she doesn't have one night stands. She has morals. The boy got very excited. So excited in fact, that he decided he HAD to add this girl on Facebook. After the girl had heard about this guy from a mutual friend, she decided she'd be nice and accept his friend request, and send him a quick message greeting him to let him know that in fact she did NOT think he was a total creep, and maybe that she found him somewhat attractive.
 (okay let's be honest, he's a total hunk)
The boy and the girl continued to talk for a complete week while the boy was traveling with his team. They talked about everything, and in that week they some how started liking each other more and more. The time came for him to come home early early in the morning.
They couldn't stand it. They absolutely had to meet in person.
(remember again, I told you this wasn't a normal story!)
At three am on August 18 the girl told her mom she was driving to meet this boy.
Crazy, right?
She got to his house, he came outside, and she felt a rush of butterflies fill her stomach.
The boy gave her a hug with his big strong arms, and asked her how she was doing.
After some small talk, she turned to start to leave. She thought obviously the boy would be too tired to visit, but the boy looked at her with a puzzled look on his face and invited her inside.
They ended up talking for hours, took a couple of cute pictures, and laughed together until she decided she should probably head home.
To this day, the girl decided that that was one of the craziest, but best decisions she had ever made to go see this boy for the first time at 3 am on a summer morning.

We continued to hang out on and off when we were both in town, and the day I took him to the airport to head back to Tennessee (where he lives when he's not playing baseball) he asked me to be his girl. 
With a big smile, I said yes:) 

To this day, Kenneth Roberts has treated me like an absolute princess every single day. 
He loves God, he's strong, he's funny, he's a man of his word, and my family absolutely loves him. 
I could go on and on, but this blog post seems long enough. ;)

It's crazy to me how it all happened, how we ended up together, and how he can continually pursue me every day even though he is 2,244 miles away. 
I can't wait to see what else God has in store for not only me, but us as a couple. 

Just when you think you have it all planned out, God does something beyond your imagination, and directs you on a path through something different, and in this case, it is simply beautiful.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Saturday, May 14, 2011

the loneliest time.

Get ready. 
This blog is the longest I've ever written.
I'm sitting here with a blank page in front of me. I've wanted to blog for sometime now, but I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. Do what exactly? Not write, that's easy and enjoyable, but I haven't been able to bring myself to open up. 
I've decided. 
Today is the day.

As I sit here thinking about how fast the year has gone, my heart can't tell if I'm supposed to be happy and smile, or be broken and cry. 
No, not because I'm emotional. 
Not because bad things have happened or good things have happened. I'm sure they have.
Let's dig deeper. 
What's really been going on?

I've had so many ups and downs in my walk with Christ, I struggle to grab hold of my thoughts and emotions. 
This year (though not over, and I'm not really sure when this 'year' started) was all about finding out who I really am. Who, my friends, has God created Katie Ellis to be?
What's her purpose?
What's her desire?
What does she strive for?
Who does she seek out?
What is she passionate about?
Who are her closest friends?

People, you'd think after years in "the ministry" I would have this all figured out. 
Let me be honest, even those in "the ministry" don't even have it figured out.
You think you're the only one that doesn't know?
Think again.

For the past year I have walked through a desert of emptiness that absolutely no one could see, and that only I was absolutely tortured by.

I felt like this:
Imagine, for a second, a child.
Daddy's little girl who had drawn a beautiful picture for her Daddy. She worked so hard on it making sure to color inside the lines, use a plethora of colors, and striving to stay in a perfect color scheme that would make the picture absolutely flawless. 
When the little girl goes to her daddy whom she has worked so hard on this picture for, she says, "daddy! look!"... but there's no response. 
She tries again, "daddy! ... daddy look at my picture!"
The father doesn't even flinch, doesn't move, doesn't acknowledge.
She tries again and again. Tugging at his pant leg, tapping him on the hand, yelling his name, "daddy!.. daddy! PLEASE daddy PLEASE look at my picture I drew for you!"
Finally, she thinks to herself, maybe he doesn't want my picture?
She finally lays down the picture, she surrenders it, she'll do anything for her daddy's attention.
Anything for one look, one movement, one acknowledgment of her existence. 
She tries and tries, but nothing is working.
She's broken. She's crying which turns to weeping.
Still, her daddy doesn't say or do anything, which shatters her precious and fragile heart into a million pieces.

Friends, this is how I have felt for the past year. 
To be honest, I have never been so broken hearted by the lack of attention that I got from God.
I had tried everything.
He wasn't speaking to, intervening in, moving on, or even acknowledging my heart's desire to know Him. 

I had never felt more alone in my entire life.

I finally built up the courage to talk to a good friend and mentor of mine, Angie Filip.
We sat in Starbucks and she listened as I talked and cried to her.
I was lost and broken.
We prayed, but of course, like every other time, nothing moved or touched the broken heart inside of me. 

Easter Sunday was coming up and there was a prayer night at the Molt's house. 
We were going to be praying for salvations, for God to move, and for God to prepare a way for people to come and be changed.
As the night when on, I prayed for all of those things. I even sang the worship songs that were being sung by the twenty something of us that were packed into that little living room.
Finally, Angie stood up and began to speak about something or another and all I can remember was that tears were streaming down my face. 
No, not because God was speaking.
Not because God was doing something radical.
Not because I felt God's presence.
No, my friends, let me be honest with you, I was crying because my heart was broken. 
Tears flooded my eyes because I knew that when I was going to pray for God to come touch my life in the way Angie was talking about- I would only be disappointed and broken hearted all over again.
It hurt so much that I wept at the very thought of it.
I was wounded spiritually and emotionally, and didn't want the wounds to be reopened for more pain.
 Before I knew it, I was surrounded by people.
These people were probably shocked that I was responding to it.
Katie Ellis? She's so strong though! Katie Ellis? She can't possibly be going through this, she's a leader in the church, she is full of joy and happiness, she prays prayers that change people's lives, SURELY Katie Ellis couldn't be going through this...

They began to pray over me, and I just remember shaking my head and crying. 
Here are these amazing men and women of God praying and speaking things out in my life and my heart remained broken, my sprit remained untouched. 

Finally, Angie told me- Katie, you need to begin to pray out loud.
Instead of being obedient, I shook my head crying.
I refused. 
I was hurt.
I couldn't pray what I was thinking in front of all of these people, but she persisted. 
I took in a deep breath and I kid you not, I prayed this prayer:
"God. I'm ready for you to reveal Yourself to me.
God, right now, I can't STAND you. 
You've abandoned me. You've deserted me. And You've left me.
I trusted you with my heart and you've broken it.
I'm so lost.
I'm so confused by You. 
You say that you want me, but you don't even care. God I want nothing to do with You. You are NOT who You said You were. I don't want to hear about you any longer, I'm DONE. God You've broken a heart that cannot be mended."

Yep. You read it right. 
In front of my pastors, all of the leaders, and all of my friends I prayed a prayer of hatred towards God.
And still, after venting and "getting it off my chest" ... I felt nothing. I felt broken. I felt empty.

A girl named Sarah had asked for healing earlier. 
Angie felt like God had told her that I was to pray for her.
I looked at her like she was crazy, still catching my breath from absolute sobbing. 
I told Sarah I was sorry but I just couldn't.
Angie persisted and told me to pray over Sarah with the exact heart that I had just prayed with.
Oh boy.
I literally sat there for what seemed like an eternity.
All of these people encouraging me and praying around me. 
I opened my mouth and began to speak. 
Somewhere, from the reservoir of my heart, the Holy Spirit took over my words. 
I don't remember what happened after that, all I remember is that I was proclaiming who God was and the individual truths about me and Sarah that God had spoken over us. 
"God you are our Healer, You are our Hope, You are our Peace, You are our Rest"
I don't remember anything else in that prayer except for that when it was done, I had to catch my breath. People were overflowing with joy, and the room wreaked of the presence of God. 
It was so surreal. 

I can't explain in words to you what happened that night in Matt and Lisa's living room, all I know is that my God never leaves me or forsakes me.
When you can't see him or feel him, oh he's there. 
If you are going through the most depressing, loneliest time in your life, and you think you can't go on, I'm here to tell you to keep going. 
Even if it takes days, months, or years- your prayers are not falling on deaf ears. 
He hears every cry. He catches every tear. 
In all of this, my faith was tested, my foundations were shaken, but my God remained unchanging and abounding in love. 
Keep Going.
Keep Persisting.
There is hope.  

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

what if?

What if people actually took chances?
What if people actually walked by faith and not by sight?
What if people actually lived like their life had purpose?
What if people actually wanted to make something of themselves?
What if people actually weren't afraid to love?
What if people actually had compassion?

What if?

I think to myself, how different would my life be if I actually did those things?
How can I be so worried? How can I not trust in the things that I claim to believe in?

If my dad were to give me a thousand dollars for gas money a month (obviously more than enough), and I took it and worried about how I was going to fill my gas tank, which gas station I was going to, or when I would fill up... wouldn't that be foolish?
In the same way, I feel like I have this gift that is more than enough to satisfy. 
God has told me that he'll take care of me. 
He's promised that he works things together for my good. 
Why then, do I continue to worry and not trust?

What would my life be like if I quit worrying and started doing, if I focused on Jesus instead of how I thought my life should go?

I want to take chances.
I want to walk by faith, instead of what looks like the easier road. 
I want to live my life with purpose. 
I want to make something of myself.
I want to be fearless of love and loveless of fear. 
I want to grasp a heart of compassion.

What if I did?
What would life look like?
My new goal:
live authentic. live with love. live taking chances. 

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


Recently, I have been thinking a lot about hope. 
No, not because I have been doing a deep study on the word or searching out for hope, but simply because it keeps coming up in almost every area of my life. 
I heard a pastor tell this story last weekend and it's been burning in the back of my mind whenever something seems to be completely hopeless.

While building his church, Hillsong New York, he had two ladies come in and they were to paint "JESUS IS HOPE" on one of the walls in the church. 
He began to tell us about how those ladies were only doing a labor of love, and didn't realize the amount of impact that the sign would have. 
A man came up to him after a service one time and said this, "I just wanted you to know, I visited your church the other day and was very touched by your sign there," pointing to the big JESUS IS HOPE, he continued to explain, "I just wanted you to know that I was on the brink of committing suicide, and felt completely lost and empty. I was about to kill myself but all that I could see in my mind was that sign, JESUS IS HOPE." 
The man didn't go through with killing himself for ONE reason. 
He saw that Jesus was his hope, He was his answer, and he had faith to believe that no matter how hard the circumstances, Jesus is hope and was more than able to bring him through.

I was brought to tears hearing that story. 
Not necessarily because it was such a touching story, but how it really convicted me.
This man wasn't even a believer! He had never seen God move. He had never experienced God work in his life, and his life was full of thoughts of death, hopelessness, and a sinful life.  
And you know what?.. the thing that brought me to tears?
Is that in that ONE encounter, he had more faith in something he had never experienced, than I have ever had in a situation where I have been taught, shown, and promised that God can come through. 

There is HOPE in hopeless situations. 
Why don't I understand that?
Recently I have been praying so hard for one of my friends. 
I felt it was absolutely hopeless and that it was almost a lost cause, but after hearing the story of that man, I persisted to pray.
God ended up moving and going above and beyond my expectations and proved to me once again how absolutely faithful He is. 
This friend is getting out of where they were, my view of compassion grew even more, and our friendship was restored. 

When we put our hope in Jesus, our depression turns to hope, our fear turns to faith.
Sometimes we feel that all is a lost cause.
We feel that God can't move anymore.
We feel that God is so angry at us that He won't take us back.
We feel that we're so far into a deep, dark, and depressing hole that there's no hope. 
But alas, God brings a supernatural assurance.
He brings hope.
...have faith that God will bring you out. He will. 

"Because of Christ and our faith in Him, we can now come fearlessly into God's presence"
Ephesians 3:12 

"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit"
Romans 15:13

There is ALWAYS hope- in every hopeless situation. 

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

because I want to

Many people have been asking me what my New Year's Resolution is. 
Well, to be quite honest with you, I didn't even think about it. 
I figured it would just come naturally, and it did. 
I went to coffee with Amber last week and afterwards I had a whirlwind of thoughts, emotions, fears, desires, etc. 
Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if your parents didn't raise you the way they did? 
What about if you lived in a completely different environment?
For some, they have been raised in a strict religious family that contain black and white morals and have ignored any grey areas. For others, they grew up having absolutely no morals except- at least try to act normal and fit in with society. 
Everyone else- they fall somewhere in between. 

So back to my new years resolution..
I guess I caught myself wondering- do I make the right decisions and act out of wisdom because I WANT to?... or simply because that's the expectation that has been set on me, the standard that's been forced, or of the fear of any sort of punishment or rebuke from my parents, teachers, and influences?

My new years resolution: to be absolutely genuine, authentic, and to make the "right" decisions because I WANT to, not because I feel forced. 
I know the song is super old, but it came to my head as I was thinking about all of this. 
It's by Switchfoot and a line in the song, that I often just sung and never really thought about, says this:
"This is YOUR life... are you who YOU want to be?"

I encourage you to do the same. 
Think about it. 
Are you who YOU want to be, or are you who OTHERS want you to be?...